It Doesn’t Compute

By Mike Ryan

My computer went down today. I have become totally dependent on this bundle of cords, wires, chips and other sundry instruments of torture. I certainly would like to talk with the clown who started this whole mess. I’ve only had this sadistic piece of machinery for about a year and a half, having become totally addicted, like the rest of the computing population. Before acquiring this sado-masochistic toy, I was actually able to write with just my hands and a pen or pencil. Now I require a minimum of 128mb of memory with a 633mhz Intel processor, 7.5gb Hard Drive, 20x/48x CD-ROM, 15” monitor, keyboard, mouse and enough software CDs to fill a filing cabinet. All this, just to write and communicate with my friends. I’ve spent over a thousand dollars to replace a pencil, piece of paper and a telephone.

God forbid you should have any trouble with this heartless money-pit. You’ll get sentenced to computer user Hell, or as they like to call it, Tech Support. I never had to deal with the Dark Lords of computing until now because my computer was still under warranty. Amazing how that worked out. Now that I finally need their supreme wisdom and advice, it will cost $1.95 per minute. Let me reiterate. $1.95 PER MINUTE. I wonder if prostitutes have tried this per minute bit. I now know what it feels like to talk on a 1-900 sex line. Every time I stumbled and said “uh,” or, “umm,” it cost me about 61/2 cents. It took about ten bucks to explain my problem to them. I should have called Miss Cleo’s psychic hotline. At least she would have known my problem without asking.


I sounded like I was ordering Viagra.“Well first I can’t get it up. Then when it comes up, it won’t stay up. Then, when it stays up, it won’t perform right.”

Of course the smug little jerk asked, “Did you search the ‘C’ drive for the natural.doc file and delete it? Or did you run the WinWord/a: file from the start, run column?”

“No, but I did try typing in ‘ #$%@*&!!!^*##’ a couple of times with no results.”

Doesn’t this illegitimate child of Bill Gates realize, that if I was aware of the fact that deleting his natural.doc file will fix my problem, then I wouldn’t be paying $1.95 a minute to be told how stupid I am? Heck I can get that right here at home for free.

Anyway, I finally have the computer up and running, thank you for your concern. Everything will soon be back to normal except, oh yeah, my watch is stuck on daylight savings time and reads an hour late, plus it beeps at all hours of the day. The VCR is flashing 12:00 constantly and the recording timer works when, well, it doesn’t work. I’m currently studying to learn how the self-cleaning oven works and have completely given up on the CD changer. The heck with Tech Support, I need Life Support.

© Mike Ryan 2003

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