I'm scared to death of shopping!

By: Robert Stedman

     I'll start with this quick statement:  "I'm terrified of shopping malls--scared to death!" I realize that 99.999999% of all women have a passion for "bargain" hunting. One day I plan to be married, so I've begun to brush up on shopping patience with my sisters. I'm about to retire, I can't take it anymore!

     We'll use the other day for example. My friends, Lee Ann and Dustin, were having a miscellaneous wedding shower. They're a fine couple, so I figure they deserve a fine gift. Therefore, I must call upon my sister, Missy, for a trip to the mall. Big mistake as usual! I arrive at her house only to find that she's got the kids away with the hubby, a tight grip on her credit card, a twinkle in her eye and about rips my arm off as we race for the car.  We arrive, and stores to be visited already are flying out of her mouth. "Oh my gosh, let's see, I've got to go to Petite Sophisticate, The Limited, Baby Gap, The Bombay Company, Williams-Sonoma, etc, etc, etc." As I try to explain that our trip can be short because McRae's (department store) will be the perfect place to find their gift, she just laughs and looks as if I've completely lost my mind. We enter the mall and the catastrophe begins.

     We've got Victoria's Secret on our right, Eddie Bauer on the left and a debate begins over which deserves our attention. I'm thinking Bauer looks better because that puts us closer to McRae's. As usual, we do the opposite of what I suggest. Missy describes her shopping methods as "scanning." This involves circling around the store, fondling merchandise, asking me how it looks, putting it back, grabbing it on the second lap, asking me again, and finalized with--"let's go, I haven't found anything." An hour has passed and we've only covered about 2 percent of the mall. You must understand, I'm know as an "easy going shopper" for the first couple of hours. After that, I'm a "this is getting ridiculous" grouch! There's only so many times I can make 10 laps around 30 stores, give my opinion and have it stomped on! And, I'm usually toting around 50 IBS of "bargains." Get a load of this--Missy asks me if she can carry something? As a gentleman, I reply with "no, I've got it." She then throws her eyes in my direction and tells me that I'm making too much noise. That has a lot to do with the fact that I'm maneuvering my way around clothing isles with 15 bags. I'm about 10 feet wide!

     Another thing Missy has mastered is the ability to anchor me in a store. She just hands me her purse, which freezes me with fear that I may see a familiar face. She's learned this gives her complete freedom, while I'm left strapped to a handbag, ducking behind lingerie. This sister is a miracle!

    Back to the shopping! We finally accomplish the mission at McRae's and she then feeds me the "are you hungry" routine. I'm starving, but if I say yes, this means we must hike to the other side of the mall. That would involve passing about 40 more stores, deserving at least 39 "Missy scans." I respond with "NO, I'm tired, I have a headache and it's time to split." All of a sudden she sounds like Linda Blair in the Exorcist and we begin our race towards the food court (I mean JC Penney). I must then think of Missy's good qualities to keep from going crazy. To shorten this long story--we never eat, she gets Christmas shopping done and we hate each other!

    I realize this is good practice for my future wife. I also have found that men will never understand a woman's shopping methods and vice versa. It is totally impossible to keep a lady focused on what she came for. Best advice before you depart for the terror of the mall. Eat a big meal, pop some Dramamine and think good thoughts about your partner. In other words, tag along, be quiet, act interested and take separate cars!